there’s mo’nique on the other side of the chain link fence! all i catch is a fleeting glimpse of a blue dress and butt as she steps out of the limo, but that’s enough. everyone’s screaming. i join in. why not? yes, i have joined this teeming mass of humanity caged in behind the chain link fence at hollywood and highland, in the hopes of seeing the creme de la creme of hollywood step out in the flesh.
quick, get my cell phone camera ready. but before i take aim, the celebrity always disappears behind a sea of red carpet, black tuxes, and paparrazzi camera flashes. ooh, zoe saldana of avatar is right in front of us, in a lavendar-blue vision of a dress concoction that looks like spun cotton candy. she even pauses outside her limo, but my camera phone doesn’t cooperate in time.
and then - it starts to rain. really hard for a moment. i endured the walking across hollywood because there was no place to park, i stood an hour in line for the metal detector. then there’s the crush of squirming human bodies enroaching on me - my tits, ass, and groin all under assault, sometimes intentionally assaulted, i think, by roving hands and other body parts. and now the rain.
but no one leaves. i’m still three people deep behind the chain link fence. everyone is wet. after the rain, the smell of damp clothes, wet hair, and dandruff wafts in the air, filling my nostrils.
mariah carey, the james cameron avatar guy, they all stream out of their cool, unsmelly air-conditioned limos. but they’re far away. they don’t come close to the chain link fence.
later, back home on tv, the first thing i see is george clooney, walking over to the chain link fence, to the very spot where i was half an hour ago, shaking hands, meeting with the crowd! always a day late and a dollar short, i am...
the show..steve martin and alex baldwin presiding..the humor a little pasty white and stiff. is it my imagination or is george clooney glaring at them like he wants to smack them? ooh, what a faux pas - a delirious sandra bullock disses meryl streep, who reaches out to hug her when she wins the award for best actress. awkward! meryl is left with open arms hugging empty air.
mo’nique - ok, she deserves the oscar for best supporting actress, standup comedienne or not. she made me sob in “precious”. i always thought she had it in her. she’s both funny, fun loving, violent, and angry all at the same time, even in her comedy. i knew she had something going on. a powerhouse. even in her acceptance speech. methinks, it was a bit pissy, though. hey, girl, lighten up, enjoy the moment. gratefulness, appreciation, breathe it in.
and the nazi jew hunter from “inglorious basterds” christoph waltz who won for best supporting actor - was he good or what? a monster you couldn’t help but like. now that’s a great actor. and quentin tarantino, can anyone beat him at making sick psycho movies? who else could reinvent nazi history like that and leave you both grossed out, amazed, and laughing. i’m convinced quentin t. would be some kind of axe murderer if he wasn’t a movie maker.
ok, now for the big cosmic joke of the night - kathryn bigelow winning best picture for “the hurt locker”. no, it’s not a joke that she won. she and the film deserved it. the cosmic joke was that she, the ex-wife, beat the ex-husband (he of the avatar fame - he who, with the sheer might of his gigantic epic, mind boggling avatar - could-have-should-have-would-have won). it was a true battle of the exes. and the female ex won! by making a testosterone-filled movie! boy, james cameron, did she snowball you or what? no offense, i loved avatar.
but why is it the loveliest movies and performances always go by quietly? like helen mirren in “the last station”. the cocka-doodle-doo scene with christopher plummer was unforgettable. her acting brings such a sense of love, of live, of humor, and sex and fun and loss and anger and fierceness and timelessness. and laughter. i love layered performances. james mcavoy was pretty awesome in it too. does no one else see this? and the young girl in “an education”, another touching multi-layered performance. but, as in everything else, hollywood usually chooses the bombastic, the easy to grasp, and one-sided, and whatever is “the thing” of the moment. i’m not trying to put anything down. i loved almost everything that won or was nominated. the beauty of art is that you can love so many things - because they all reflect something meaningful about life.
still, my biggest lesson from oscar night wasn’t in the acting or in the film making. it was this - if i ever become famous and attend the oscars in a limo and designer dress, i will do like george clooney - and walk the chain link fence.
